because we like beer! (especially if it's fruity!)

Beer Trouble Shooting Guide

(leah and bethy officially apologize for the wonky html action. we tried to fix it and can't)

SYMPTOM	CAUSE	ACTION
Feet cold and wet.	Glass being held at incorrect angle.	Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
Feet warm and wet.	Improper bladder control.	Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
Beer unusually pale and tasteless.	Glass empty.	Get someone to buy you another beer.
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.	You have fallen over over backwards.	Have yourself leashed to the bar.
Mouth contains cigarette butts.	You have fallen over forwards.	See above.
Beer tasteless, front of you shirt is wet.	Mouth not open or glass applied to wrong part of face.	Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
Floor blurred.	Your looking through bottom of empty glass.	Get someone to buy you another beer.
Floor moving.	You are being carried out.	Find out if you are being taken to another.
Room seems unusually dark.	Bar has closed.	Confirm home address with bartender.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.	Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.	Cover mouth.
Everyone looks up to you and smiles.	You are dancing on the table.	Fall on somebody crushing-looking.
Beer is crystal clear.	It's water, somebody is trying to sober you up.	Punch him.
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.	You have been in a fight.	Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was with them.
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.	You've wandered into the wrong party.	See if they have free beer.
Your singing sounds distorted.	The beer is too weak.	Have more beer until your voice improves.
Don't remember the words to the song.	Beer is just right.	Play air guitar.

FIRE!!!!

heh. fire! much like butthead.

so, yes. we lit a fire! we are the almighty fire lighters! we require no foreknowledge of firelighting practices or techniques. we know of the starter logs and the tiny tiny flamethrowers! and we cause only minimal smoke damage with our lack of flue-opening. hereby, know all that we are as gods of firestarting!

travis, you should consider extra insurance.

We are as gods!

so, um, monday night, leah and i declared ourselves gods, and decreed various godhoods upon/amongst ourselves. so there. you can't have any. pblpbl.

leah: god of...
british things
cat sick
grammar
disappointments
non-god logic
purple
hair with criminal intent
irrationality
taking out the trash (only non-stinky - see below)


bethy: god of...
good sex
bad sex
changing the cat box
loading the dishwasher
spelling
shoes!
tea
god-logic

anya:god of...
pretty
thwopping

kitten: god of...
mischief
knocking shit over

travis: god of...
stinky things

chicago...cont'd

things we have learned in the last 4 days:

1. there's a HUGE difference in 311 & 3111
2. everyone gets skinnier when they graduate college
3. bus stops are more confusing than train stations
4. even serenity fans are less openly friendly in the north than they are in the south
5. oranges & eggplants are the best foods ever
6. sequins are almost as good as diamonds

so, re: issue #1. we rock. we've frickin' mastered the chicago transit authority website and have the process of getting places down. we find an address, pop it in, and get wherever we're going like "that". until yesterday. yesterday (saturday), it all fell apart. we got on the train going the wrong directions, got off, turned around, got back on, and went past our stop. then, in our attempt to go to dinner, the street deadended where it should have kept going. so, we wandered around downtown chicago in an almost vain attempt to find the restaurant. we did find it eventually, but there was much going out of the way to get there. it involved stairs. up and down a bunch of stairs. dallas doesn't have stairs in its streets. then, the piece de resistance (see the numbers referenced in #1). we found the bus fairly easily, though it came about 10 minutes later than we would have liked. took it to the proper intersection, and walked south, like the instructions said to do. we were in the sketchiest part of chicago we'd seen thus far, all decked out in our "cute girls going out" clothing, and all of a sudden, the numbers went from 319 to 275. so, we call jill who informs us that we're about 30 blocks too far south. YAY! watch the 2 girls in heels walk/run north for about 6 blocks in the hopes of catching a non-existent cab. we finally caught a bus that took us to the right part of town and we had seats saved for us, so everything was fine. this, however, did not prevent us from walking manymany blocks to find food/coffee afterwards. then, the bus we tried to take home only got us about halfway there. so, we ended up walking, again, about halfway across chicago, until we finally saw the promised land of 2850 N Sheridan Road. we're tired. yay for pretty flats with sequins.

blast from our whorish pasts

we had a request to re-post this most amusing anecdote from the earliest stage of our relationship. have fun. we did. ^_~

originally posted 2/29/04:

well, the intention was to go to northpark with leah, hit clinique for bonus time, and do a little innocent window shopping in the pretty mall (it really is, and there aren't a lot of malls that can say the same). after browsing our way through several very girly stores, we decided to have the silly fun in victoria's secret. fun was had. we discovered electric bright pj's that don't have to match, underwear that's really more under-why? and lots of things with cherries on them (i swear, from a distance, they just look like pretty flowers). we were happily making our way to the front of the store to leave as a manager type asked us if we were doing all right and leah made the mistake of saying, "oh yes! everyone has been very helpful." this, of course, prompted the woman to say, "well i assume, then, that you've had a free bra-fitting". well, apparently neither one of us had our get out quick radar going, because we said, "well, no." appalled she was! appalled i say! she fitted us very quickly and pronounced us both 2 cup sizes larger than we would have claimed for ourselves. it was our turn to be appalled. with this perplexing declaration hanging above our heads, how could we not go into the fitting rooms (which have some strangely fancy name there now) and have "the most entertaining 30 minutes, maybe even an hour, of your lives"? in we went, one room to the both of us, in order to guarantee the bonding. the girl came in with boxes full of bras, all sized to make us blush at the thought of so much boob on one person. leah, surprisingly, fit quite nicely into her gargantuan bras. i was left skeptical when there seemed to still be room for another boob in there. the girl, who i understand is very well trained to do this, explained that with mine being set fairly far apart, it was likely the right size, just the wrong style. she showed me several more which i proceeded to wear on my head (just to demonstrate the unneccesary largeness of them) and then wear on my chest. after going through 3 or 4 that all had the same strange extra-ness to them, we finally convinced a second girl to go get a smaller size. tada! it fit. my boobs are weird. i could have told them this, but i've learned that it's better to let people learn things by experience. the first girl was astounded and offered to bow down to me. (no really, she did!) i found that the "very sexy" bra did indeed make me look very sexy. but, as i had just spent a good chunk of money at the clinique, i did not buy it. leah, however, came away with a very nice, if perplexingly large, addition to her collection. (no worries leah. your boobs still look proportionate. it's just the bra away from your boobs that looks so huge).

i hope we didn't rush this part of our relationship.

why doug stays on the suck list

'cause, dude, you just can't recover from this...

so, last night, leah and i are at this restaurant (oh, and, by the way, we've moved to this really killer house on the m-streets. just happened. sorry about the no heads up.) and we RANDOMLY run into doug and some chick whose name i never caught. i don't know, she had an attitude and WAY too much curly blonde hair. anyways, we talked for a bit, but leah & i were headed out. so, they kind of followed us out to the front of the restaurant and doug announces that they're going to take all of our credit cards! wtf?! so, i gave doug a "look" and continued to walk, leah following suit. as soon as we're out the door of the place, though, the chick pulls out one of those tiny guns and holds it up to leah's head! of course, no one notices because of how it's too fucking busy and it's a tiny fit in your purse gun. doug didn't even look at her funny. just said, "sorry guys." so, we set down our purses on an outside table and rifle through for the credit cards. he was "nice" enough to let us do that, rather than just taking the whole purse. apparently, that's what they do normally, but he was having just a little guilt over the whole issue.

anyways, being that we now live just a few blocks away from the restaurant, we walked back home and doug and the chick just invite themselves to come along and hang out! W! T! F! i was too fucking pissed to talk at this point, but leah was trying to make like it was all normal and shit. so, we walk home and they follow us upstairs and we all sit around talking like nothing's fucking happening! after, i don't know, about 15 minutes of this, i lost it. i stood up and jumped on top of dear old doug on the couch and just started whaling on his face. my exact words were something like, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE FUCKING DOING THIS, YOU FUCKING BASTARD!! YOU 2 (pointing at leah) HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER, LIKE, FOREVER AND YOU'RE ONE OF HER BEST FRIENDS! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?!" and i punctuated about every other word with my fist. doug and leah managed to restrain me long enough to point out that i was going to make this bizarre brain thing happen if i kept hitting the same place, so i stopped. i was still pretty worked up, so i don't have the details about the brain thing, but they seemed pretty insistent. whatever.

at this point, genius man and his bitch of a girlfriend (?) decided it might be a good time to take their leave of us. brilliant huh? we walked them downstairs (didn't want them stealing any more shit, did we?) and as they're walking out the door, i had a brain wave! "hey fucker! you know what i just thought of? every single person you know reads your blog and a lot of them know about ours! i'm gonna post this and everyone in your life is going to know about this fucking situation! ha!" at which point, he had the good sense to look at least a little perturbed before he turned around and walked off.

they, having parked just behind the afore mentioned restaurant, and me having followed them down the street with me berating, and leah having followed along behind still trying to pretend it's all normal, we suddenly found ourselves standing where they'd left the car. but guess what! someone had stolen it! HA!!!! and i said pretty much that. "HA!!!!" i was pretty thrilled, until bitch girl just let herself into someone else's car and hotwired it! doug the spinally-challenged just looked at my incredulity with a "what're you gonna do?" kind of face and got in. then they offerred us a ride back! fuck a whole lot of that shit. we let them drive off and went home to cancel all the cards the fuckers stole. the rest of the evening is pretty much a blur since i woke up at that point.

doug is so not getting a christmas present this year.

we were touched by His noodly appendage!

praise 'sketti from whom all meatballs flow!
praise 'sketti all creatures here below!
praise 'sketti above ye midgety hosts!
praise 'sketti, sauce, and holy ghost!
yay balls!

we have chosen a religion. never let it be said that we are unfaithful to our food.